The Thing About Shame
IT LEAVES YOU FEELING COLD AND ALONE: SHAME.
Like you’re in a dark place, trapped by your wrongdoing.
In a dungeon of your own fabrication.
When it takes you, it grips your mind in such a way that you feel restricted in your outer world.
Making you feel unworthy or dirty. Shame leaves you feeling unlovable and disconnected from others.
Shame comes in many forms: the shame of sex, shame of sexuality, shame of your body & shape, the shame of your desires, the shame of an act committed and you now seek salvation.
To name but a few.
We all have shame in life. One way or another you found yourself to have grown shameful of some portion of who you are. And perhaps, cleverly, you’d managed to hide this from yourself - by camouflaging your shame amongst everything you deem to be just the way things are in life.
Not realising that this affects your day to day existence; how you interact with the world and form relationships is all restricted by the shame you carry throughout your existence.
SO - IT IS VITALLY IMPORTANT TO YOUR FREEDOM AND SELF-EXPRESSION, FOR YOU TO CONNECT WITH YOUR SHAME SUCH THAT YOU CAN SEE & UNDERSTAND IT.
I used to regularly have heated arguments with a former girlfriend. Every time she expressed some displeasure in me or our relationship - I blew up! Each time, I jumped to the conclusion that if she was upset, that meant everything would go to shit! And inevitably, it did all go to shit.
I rationalised that I was not good enough for her therefore, she was going to leave me sooner or later. I eventually pushed her away with my words and anger, blowing up any time she tried to talk to me about our relationship.
And why did I do this? It was a preemptive strike! I was scared and to protect myself I cut my losses.
After that relationship broke down I stopped and asked myself what was happening? I reflected on my failed relationship. And noticed a pattern in my behaviour amongst the broken pieces. Everything kept going to shit because I was hiding some part of myself.
I carried shame about not being good enough and not being accepted.
I REALISED THAT THE PROBLEM WAS NOT THAT SHAME ALONE, BUT ALSO THE SHAME I HAD ABOUT MY SHAME - THAT I SHOULDN’T FEEL THIS WAY!
I should feel confident as a man, not laboring over my insecurities.
I should be perfect in my relationship - not having arguments or making mistakes.
I should be free, not trapped in seeking validation
This prevented me from exploring the deeper truth of why I constantly felt like an outsider. But by allowing this shame to exist and to allow me to feel it - slowly it revealed to me a deeper truth.
My shame was born of being brought up in a strict religious household and me being far too inquisitive and curious about life and therefore being incompatible with my family culture. And so my tug of war began between pursuing things in life that I naturally loved versus keeping my parents & culture happy.
I realised I was leading a double life. Who I am around my family and who I am REALLY. And this way of living would inevitably cause friction in my relationships.
Because I could never truly be *free* in who I was.
I KNEW I COULDN’T CONTINUE TO LIVE THIS WAY.
Ashamed and vulnerable, I knew I had to speak to my family about all this hiding and a double life.
When I did, I was able to let that shame go, and with it a lifetime of the heavy burden of hiding who I am. Thankfully, I found my family to be compassionate and not angry or upset as I had long feared.
I felt stupid. Really stupid.. but nonetheless, pleased I had made this realisation because it set me free from that shame restricting my expression.
My question to you, is are you feeling ashamed about feeling shame as a man?
How does this shame restrict your life?
If you let that shame be, what hidden truth will it reveal to you?
Please don’t hesitate to get in touch if you have any questions.