How to talk to women on dating apps (do's and dont's)

A lot of people tell me about their online dating experiences and most of what i hear is pretty shitty.

When I first started as a dating coach ten years ago, online dating was new, and a little bit weird and only a small number of people did it. And far fewer men were successful at it,  but I was.

But I was consistently meeting great women and helping my coaching clients meet awesome women using dating apps. I even met my ex of 4 years on a dating app.

From coaching many men whose online dating conversations I have seen, I see a pattern of the men that get a lot of matches on apps. They do some specific things consistently right, something that any man can do if he knows how.

And from talking to countless women about their experience of dating apps, what they respond to, and how they like men to be with them. I have some very easy-to-follow principles that I now advise men to adhere to meet the women that they want on dating apps. 

What you are looking for from the dating apps makes no difference to how you follow these guidelines, if you are looking for marriage, or just casual sex, it makes no difference. These do's and don't will help you connect with the women you match in a way that you never have before.

The key is that you want to connect through conversation with women that match with you. And if you implement these rules (plus have a good bio and photos - something we can help you with), you will start turning those matches into dates and say goodbye to endless fruitless swiping.

Do lead the conversation

As a man, it's your responsibility to lead. It is an attractive masculine trait, and it's no different from conversation.

You should be bringing energy to the conversation and giving it momentum.

Leading can look like asking questions, paying attention to her bio and photos, moving the conversation and learning about her and sending the first message.

Do be willing to change the subject

This is part of leading but important on its own. When the conversation starts to get a little boring or into small talk, change the subject to something that it's more interesting to you or her, simple. Don't feel you can't change the topic. If you in small talk or just exchanging short, boring messages, switch the topics!

Do start with a multi-line message

It's so important in your first message to make the right impression.

"Hey, How are you?" makes you look lazy, uninteresting and unimaginative. And those are not things that will make her feel attracted to you.

Look at her photos and bio, and think about what you like, what draws you to talk to her or what you would like to know about her.

Can you guess where her photos were taken, does it look like a place you know or have been or is there something funny in the image. Pick out two or three things to talk about in your first message.

Do this will set you apart from 95% of men on dating apps. 

Do be curious about her

Ask her about her. And be specific about the question.

Don't assume you know what she is like just from seeing a few pictures and a bio. Be curious about her life, her past, your ideas, the way she lives, and the things that she likes and hates. 

Do listen to the answers, relate them to your own experience, ask her more about her experience and importantly ask her how those experiences made her feel.

Do be open and honest about yourself

Talk about what you like, love and find interesting about life and the world. Share your thoughts, ideas and how your life has got you to this point.

Don't think you need to be a particular person or way for her to like you, be you, share openly who you are with her.

Don't hide who you are from fear of judgement; the only person judging you is you.

Do ask for her phone number

You have to progress things. After you've talked a little while and got to know each other and had a bit of a flirt, ask her from her number. It's an excellent example of leading and show you know what you want.

Don’t go in talking about sex off the bat

I see this from so many women, they show me their tinder, hinge and even Instagram, and they are filled with attractive guys that start the conversation talking bout sex.

And zero of those guys get replies.

The thing is, even if she wants something casual, she still wants to be treated as a human being with feelings and emotions, not like some sex robot. Be interested in her. Women get a lot of offers for sex, so offer more and be more than the average man. 

Don’t send dick pics

Unless she has explicitly asked you for one, please don't send it. Sending dick pic isn't getting anyone laid. Don't send dick pics unless she begs you for one.

And the truth is, you will hardly ever we asked for one. So to keep it simple, never send an unsolicited dick pic.

Don’t hide the things about yourself

This is a big part of the work that we do with men, to help them open up and show the women they meet who they are.

So often the guys don't see anything cool or interesting about themselves. After coaching sessions with us, they know that they are loads of things about them to love, and other people will love about them.

Be open with the stories of yourself, the stuff you don't always tell people, you know the things that come to your mind when asked a question and you think "hmmm…. she won't want to hear that" or "she will think that is silly", say it.

Those are the very will that connects us.